The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids

This article, The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids -- New York Magazine, is long but a good read. It includes research and anecdotal evidence that excessive general praising is often more harmful than helpful to a person. Kids whose innate intelligence is praised (being called smart) often shy away from things they expect to be difficult or fall apart after a failure. Kids whose effort is praised, or who are given other very specific praise, rebound from failure, are more confident that they can achieve with more (or different) effort, and improve academically.

Just a few days ago, DS1 was telling DS2 what to do on a "Kindergarten" computer game that we have. I told DS1, as I often do, to stop telling DS2 what to do so he can figure it out himself. DS1 replied, "But I'm smarter than him." I quickly responded, "No, you're not. You are older than him and know some things that he doesn't, but that doesn't mean you're smarter than him." I'm not sure if that was a good response, but it's the best that came to mind quickly.

"Who is smarter?" is a question that I want to stay away from for as long as possible. Both my family and my DH's family have highly intelligent (IQ-wise) people. Some relish it, some discount it, some compare, and some know it but are both humble and confident so that when you meet them you can tell, but it is a non-issue.

My parents were not big praisers. However, I did know that they were proud of me and of my accomplishments, both academic and non-academic. I remember, in church, a dad of a friend announcing during the "joys and concerns" time about his son making honor roll. My parents never did that. I made it every time. Kids who are around others know if they are "smart"... reading groups, honors classes, grading fellow students' tests (although with privacy issues what they are these days, that is probably no longer done), and just general conversation and even grammar and vocabulary say a lot. Maybe that's part of my motivation to homeschool, so they can just be themselves instead of "the smart ones."

People have been telling me for years that my boys are smart. I suspect people have told them that also. Not to mention, "wow, you're really smart" in the Blue's Clue's song and "great counting," "great clapping," "great helping," and "we did it, we did it, we did it, hurray" on Dora the Explorer. (I'm not knocking those shows overall, just the over-the-top praise. And why to Dora and Boots and even Diego tell the kids to yell all the time? Oops, got a little off track, there. :-) Anyway, back to the article, it really hit home for me, as I suspect it will for anyone who reads because of reading about it here, in my blog. Please, let me know what you think.